I fucking forgive you
This letter is for no one and everyone in particular.
I’m doling out compassion like Oprah handing out Pontiacs during Sweeps Week — a since-forgotten relic from the since-forgotten broadcast TV era (in case any of you trick-ass zygotes needed a formal explanation).
Yes, that’s right.
Form an orderly line.
Accept your underserved absolution on this Sabbath of Sabbaths.
Because I fucking forgive you.
Do you deserve to have this abundance of goodwill thrust upon you? Definitely not.
But do I have the energy, time, or space to even harbor a bad thought in your general direction?
I don’t.
I’m spent.
So I forgive you for that bad thing you said, did, or repeatedly subjected me to. I release you back into the world, hopefully with a renewed sense of decency, you fuck. You’ve been granted a new lease on life, a tabula rasa — use this opportunity to approach the world as a person who is not a crusty asshole.
All I ask in return is for this one thing: be better.
Not for me, but for everyone else.
Maybe even for yourself.
Being accountable for your shit behavior might seem daunting and oppressive, but it’s liberating if you allow it into your system. It’s like when tequila does that thing where it coats your frontal lobe, and suddenly you’re setting someone’s car on fire. And we all know that there’s nothing more cleansing than committing arson — or whatever Plato said.
I mean, have you ever considered not being a total bag of shit? The perks of being a good person are underrated — whiter teeth, enhanced sexual appeal, possible avoidance of eternal damnation. Think it over.
And finally, a note to myself, because my cup overfloweth with compassion.
I forgive you for forgiving others undeservedly and for having the memory of a goldfish at a carnival who was dropped on its head three too many times. I forgive you for burying your pain so deeply that a thousand flash floods couldn’t unearth its magnitude and for naming what hurts and screaming about it on the internet to total strangers. I forgive you for the bad, for the cringe, for the petty, for the times you had to Google whether you were correctly using the word zeitgeist. Yikes.
I fucking forgive you, too.
